i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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