new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize