College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
