Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
