just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
