True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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