the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
