Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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