Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
