my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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