Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
