saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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