Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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