i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
