so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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