I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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