I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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