Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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