dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
