I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
