so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
