420 ftw
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
