no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
