Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
