What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
