i already hear my dad disowning me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
