I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
