I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
