He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
