Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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