i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
