What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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