He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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