; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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