Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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