So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
