he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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