Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
