just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
