My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
