Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
