woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize