A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
