I met the friendliest cop last night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
