In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
