How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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