she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
