Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
