can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
