I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
