No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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