she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
