dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize