I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
this will be a night to untag.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize