well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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