dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
