I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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