I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
