this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
