I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
