I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize