I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
