By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
